The Jimmy First Half Recap - 2021

On Saturday December 14, 1991 the #1 ranked Duke Blue Devils took on the #21 ranked Michigan Wolverines in a preseason NCAA basketball game. Duke was coming off a National Title win over the Larry Johnson, Stacey Augmon led UNLV Runnin’ Rebels. They returned starters Christian Laettner, Grant Hill, Bobby Hurley and Trajon Langdon. The team was, by all accounts, college basketball royalty. Winning the national title again was almost preordained.

I was ten years old at the time.

It was Saturday morning. 

I should have been watching cartoons. 

But, when I flipped on CBS, I caught the pregame introduction that mentioned Michigan had one of the greatest incoming freshmen class of all-time. Three of them started. They showed a highlight of 6’ 10” center, Juwon Howard, tossing an alley oop to 6’ 10” power forward, Chris Webber, from the three point line. Webber was guarded by some lumbering white guy, who has no idea that he’s about to become a footnote in history. Howard effortlessly flips the ball towards the hoop like a middle school soccer player on a throw-in and Webber leaps off one leg, reaches a foot over the basket, palms the ball in midair and slams the ball home with a quiet ferocity while the defender turns around and stares up at the basket, completely in awe of what he just watched.

At that moment, I was in love.

(Rewatching the clip on YouTube, my favorite part is now listening to Jim Nantz and Billy Packer come to grips with the growing influence of African American basketball culture on their extremely Caucasian basketball world view. Nantz comments “You know through four games, this team is averaging over four dunks per game. They’re very exciting.” Nantz pauses after the word dunks like he just said a word in French and wondered if he’d pronounced it correctly. It’s adorable.)

 

 

What followed was one of the best college basketball games of all time. Michigan’s athleticism matched Duke’s poise and experience leading to a tie game with 28.5 seconds remaining. Duke’s Bobby Hurley held the ball at the top of the key, watching the seconds tick down. Hurley feigned a drive into the lane and launched a step back three for the win... only Jalen Rose soared up to deflect the shot. Chris Webber grabbed the ball, took one dribble and launched a three quarter court heave with no time remaining.

At ten years old, it felt like the ball hung in the air for an eternity. 

My hopes and dreams soared along with that ball. 

Sadly, my ten year old hopes and dreams bounced off the front of the rim along with that ball.

As they so often did, Duke won. In overtime. In a game that changed college basketball - and my own basketball life - forever.

Later that year, my Dad and I won his office NCAA pool because we picked #6 seeded Michigan to make the National Championship Game (and lose to Duke again). They made the game. They lost to Duke. And I became a fan of March Madness forever. I also became very accustomed to watching my favorite teams - and my NCAA tournament brackets - get this close to winning, while watching someone else cut down the net.

Thirty years later and I’m still searching for my second NCAA tournament pool win. I’m fully ready and expecting my annual three quarter court heave to bounce off the front of the rim, but I haven’t lost hope. If the Cubs can win the World Series than surely I can eventually win the JBorhood March Madness Extravaganza (aka the J.M.M.E or the Jimmy as we call it round these parts).

Right?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Blind, enduring hope aside, congratulations in advance to whoever assumes the role of the Duke Blue Devils and dashes my ever resilient childhood dreams once again. The real prize is the friendships we make along the way (and the mock awards I get to hand out).

Without further ado, allow me to present this year’s First Half Jimmy Award Winners.

The DVD Rewinder Award for worst idea while filling out a bracket: Keith (Keith’s Bracket) picking Norfolk State to win the tournament.

In what was either a sign that we owe Keith a belated congratulations for accepting the position of Athletic Director at Norfolk State or the hallmarks of a worrying Fear and Loathing style ether binge crying out for an intervention, Keith boldly picked #16 seed Norfolk State to not only become the second #16 seed to win a first round game in tournament history (against undefeated and top ranked Gonzaga, no less), but to win the entire tournament.

So either congratulations are in order... or someone really needs to check in on Keith.

The Betamax Award for the worst idea that wasn’t clearly fueled by an ether binge: Dad (Big3JDaddy’s Boys) for selecting #8 seed North Carolina to make the Sweet 16.

Betamax seemed like a great idea. Compact size. Higher quality video. Better sound. Unfortunately, the lack of business acumen at the Betamax Corporation led to VHS scoring deals with Hollywood production companies, meaning every cool video release came out on VHS and not Beta.

(They named their product beta... can they really be that surprised they came in second?)

Similarly, I understand what Dad was thinking. Historic program. Potentially light first round match up against a Big Ten afterthought in Wisconsin. Is it that crazy to see the Tar Heels in the Sweet 16? Just look at Syracuse.

Unfortunately, much like Betamax, Carolina never stood a chance. They were down 16 at halftime and ended up losing by 23. To make matters worse, the Wisconsin team that crushed them got run off the court by Baylor. 

I’m sure Dad had good intentions when he picked Carolina to make a deep run just like he did when he bought our family’s Betamax player. But, take it from a kid who had to pick out videos from the Beta section growing up... the selection sucked.

(I’d like to give a shot out to Jeff and myself for our absurd pick of #11 Drake to make the Sweet 16 and my selection of #2 Iowa to lose in the first round - in my defense, I just picked the wrong #2 seeded Big 10 team to lose in the first round  - for being worthy of consideration for this award. We’re the honorary Betamax of the Betamax award.)

The Easter Bunny Isn’t Real Award for child disillusionment: Haley (Halestorm Lit AF Fam)

I convinced Haley to fill out her first NCAA bracket this year. I get the feeling she might not ever fill one out again.

Using sound and rational logic - something I’m sure my Dad and Keith wish they’d paid attention to - Haley picked only one upset in the entire tournament. One. 

#2 seed Ohio State to “upset” #1 seed Baylor in the South regional finals.

Haley’s dream of a title in her first ever Jimmy lasted until about 3 PM PST on Friday as Ohio State lost the fourth game of the NCAA tournament to #15 seed Oral Roberts.

She may never watch sports again.

The West Coast Bias Award for fan that clearly grew up cheering for the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors: Dave (Dave’s Dazzling Bracket)

We all have inherent biases that influence our selections. My Dad graduated from the University of Iowa, which caused him to disregard a lifetime of black and gold NCAA disappointment and pick the Hawkeyes to win the tournament. Jeff’s grandmother is from West Virginia, which led to him picking the Mountaineers to make the Final Four.

Dave’s bracket, with the #12 seed UCSB Gauchos and #11 seed Utah State Aggies in the Sweet 16, two teams that historically played tough against the Bows during our formative early fandom, has “mid-90’s to early 2000’s Hawaii basketball fan” written all over it.

When I asked Dave about his picks he said “I don’t understand. Utah St was good 20 years ago. Why wouldn't they be good now?”, a question I frequently ponder about my own athletic ability whenever I try to do pull-ups now that I’m forty.

 

 

The Mitch & Jordan Memorial Award for contestant that enters the tournament, but forgets to fill out their entire bracket: No one!

In 2008, my Dad forgot to fill out his Final Four picks, which earned him the glorious distinction of having an award named in his honor. This continued until 2010 when my brother Jordan submitted a completely empty bracket, earning his place alongside my Dad in Jimmy history.

 

While no one earned the right to have their name etched in glory alongside past tournament heroes this year, Mitch and Jordan's legacy lives on.

 

The Rashidi Yekini Award for player whose name will cause him to foster an otherwise irrational affection from my Dad: Ayo Dosunmu.

(Background: In 1994, Rashidi Yekini led the Nigerian Super Eagles to a miracle run to the Round of 16 in that year’s World Cup. Fueled in part by their up tempo playing style and the excitement of an African team excelling on the world stage, but mostly by the fact that my Dad really, really, really loved the name Rashidi Yekini, my Dad became a huge Nigerian soccer fan. Without fail, anytime a player has come along with a modicum of skill and a name to match, they become my Dad’s favorite player.)

This was the easiest award of the tournament.

Ayo has so many things going for him in addition to having the tournament’s coolest name. He has NBA level athleticism, ball handling and passing skill; he leads a high flying Illini attack, that was poised to make a deep tournament run as a number one seed; not to mention, he grew up in Chicago, Illinois, just like my Dad.

Sadly, Dosunmu’s tournament run ended in the second round to in-state rival Loyola Chicago (well, sad for anyone who didn’t pick the Rambler’s to go to the Final Four. *ahem*) also ending my Dad’s chance to root for him and my chance to make “Dosunmu, I’ve come to bargain” jokes. Thankfully, Dosunmu appears likely to be a high NBA draft pick and should have a long career in the NBA, so there’s plenty of time for my Dad to enjoy his new favorite non-familial human.

(A Google search of “Dosunmu, I’ve come to bargain” yields only two results: a message board post and a reddit comment. Come on, internet. You’re better than that. That joke is solid gold.)

 

The I’m Not Coming to the Reunion Award for member who displayed the least amount of school spirit: Jason (Fiery Owls of Death) for picking his Georgetown Hoyas to lose in the first round.

Dad picked the Hawkeys to win the National Title.

Hayes picked the #11 seeded UCLA Bruins to upset BYU in the first round.

Shaun at least picked his #5 seeded Colorado Buffaloes to beat Georgetown before bowing out in the second round.

Meanwhile, Jason not only picked his beloved Georgetown Hoyas to lose their first round game to Colorado shortly after sending the message “Go, Hoyas!” to the group chat, he also sent out this photo when it became clear that he needed the Florida State Seminoles to knock off #1 seed Michigan in the Sweet 16 for him to beat our younger brother, Jordan.

 

 

Fun fact: Jason learned that the Florida State mascot was the Seminoles shortly after taking that photo. I give it even odds that he learned the Georgetown mascot was the Hoyas after filling out his bracket this year.

The Shaun Holaday Memorial Award for bracket with the best chance to win that has no business winning: Nicholas Stamp Miller (Nicholas Stamp Miller)

In 2008, Shaun won the tournament despite picking the least number of games correctly, because he was the only contestant who picked Kansas to win the title and the weighted scoring system gives an overwhelmingly unfair number of points for picking the National Champion. (On a related note, no, I'm not still bitter that I finished third despite picking the most number of correct games. Moving on...)

This year, despite picking less first round games correctly than all but two people and only identifying seven Sweet 16 teams correctly, Nick is alive in the Jimmy for one (and only one) reason: he picked Baylor to cut down the nets. As long as the #8 Loyola Chicago Ramblers don't make the Final Four (unlikely) and Alabama doesn't make the title game (also doubtful), Nick's fate lays solely in the hands of the Baylor Bears. Which would make him an equally unlikely (and undeserving) champion.

(On a related note, I lied about not still being bitter.)

 

The Drew Timme Award for looking the best in a photo with a digitally enhanced handlebar mustache: Jeff (Jeffery’s Super Bracket)

When Jason sent me the text message “On another note, the Zags have a very prominent handlebar mustache that I am trying to determine the seriousness of.”, did I immediately do a Google deep dive on Timme’s mustache and mustache celebration and then download a digital image editor to see what every member of our league would look like with a digitally enhanced handle bar mustache?

Why, yes. Yes, I did.

Did I follow up on that work by ranking how everyone looked with their digitally enhanced mustache on a purely subjective and absurd scale, thereby losing two hours of my life that I’ll never get back?

Again, yes.

Do I regret any of this time?

Not for a second.

So... without further ado, here are the rankings in reverse order:

 

#11: Dad: My entire life, Dad has not had facial hair. Now we know why.

 

 

 

#10 Me: My young brother Jordan asked me recently "Are we sure that you're not running QAnon?"

 

  

 

#9 Shaun:  He looks like a method actor that took a bit part in a Western way too seriously.

 

 

 

#8 Keith: If you need to buy opium in South East Asia, Keith knows a guy.

 

 

#7 Haley: Honestly... not nearly as bad as you'd expect. She seems wise.

 

 

 

#6 Nick: Dead ringer for Buford Tannen in Back 2 the Future 3.

 

 

 

#5 Jason: If Gordon from Sesame Street was white.

 

 

 

#4 Dave: If you told me this was from a promo shoot for a new radio program called 'Coach Dave and the Deuce' I would believe you (and tune in to the first episode)

 

 

 

#3 Jordan: Honestly... not much changed.

 

 

 

#2 Hayes: Ready for his upcoming role in the Sheriff Wyatt Earp biopic.

 #1 Jeff: I asked Jeff for a picture I could include in this section. He sent me this. A true, quiet dignity. Like a young Obama. No enhancement required.

 

Remaining Game(s) that everyone is watching: Florida State vs. Michigan, Syracuse vs. Houston, Gonzaga vs. Anyone, Baylor vs. Anyone

This is a more complicated second half of the Jimmy than I can ever remember. Only two people (Nick - Baylor and myself - Alabama) have a clear path to the title due to their championship pick. Seven of the eleven Jimmy participants have Gonzaga winning the title, but, differences in their brackets mean that four of them: Dave, Jason, Jordan and Shaun all still have a path to a title with a complicated maze of scenarios.

If Florida State upsets Michigan, then Jason knocks Jordan out of the running. But, he still needs Baylor to lose before the title game, otherwise, he loses to Dave. 

Similarly, Dave needs Houston to figure out Syracuse's zone defense, otherwise he opens the door for Shaun to win.

Meanwhile, Jordan needs a Michigan win vs. Florida State followed by an Alabama win and a Baylor loss before the championship game in a scenario that's starting to be so specific it makes my head hurt.

There's also an incredibly bizarre scenario where Loyola-Chicago wins the National Title and Shaun and I share the Jimmy Championship which is so unlikely that it is bound to happen because that's just how silly life has been the last year.

No matter what happens, we have an exciting end to the tournament and competitive finish in store for the Jimmy. 

How will it all play out?

We'll have to wait and see. 

Which is to say, I'm destined to lose in crushing fashion due to a short Chris Webber-esque half court shot off the front of the rim, but, but hey: at this point, I'm used to it.

Good luck in the second half, everyone!

 

 

 

JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza 2011

We have a problem.

Two of our nation's most sacred drinking-related holidays, Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby, follow each other in rapid succession. There is an overabundance of quality-alcohol-fueled-bacchanalia in such a very short window. And, I don't know why I never realized this before; in 2007 the Kentucky Derby actually took place on Cinco De Mayo. What are we supposed to do when that happens? Tequila juleps? (Author's Note: I actually found this recipe on Twitter the day after posting this article. As usual, the universe is messing with me.)

We have only one sensible recourse: move Cinco de Mayo to June.

We can't move the Kentucky Derby. The entire horse racing calendar is built around the Derby taking place on the first Saturday in May. Shifting the dates of every horse race in the world is a logistical nightmare.

No, we have to move Cinco de Mayo.

We can't move it March, which already has White-People-Do-Stupid-Things Day (or St. Patrick's Day as it's referred to colloquially), so we need to push it back a month to give party goers the appropriate amount of time to plan, celebrate, and recover between holidays.

Sure, some people will yammer on about the 5th of May having some significance to Cinco de Mayo, but that's just sentimentalism. Others will make similarly trite arguments about the events of Cinco de Mayo taking place in 1862, thirteen years before the first Kentucky Derby (1875), but it's only a thirteen year difference and can we really trust pre-turn of the Century Mexican record keeping?

It makes the most sense to push back Cinco de Mayo a month and celebrate it on June 5th. Call it Junio de Mayo if you want to get all technical.

Tequila tastes better in the Summer anyway.

---

Now that we've cleared up that little snafu, let's move on to the most important item of business: the Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Rankings.

As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Derby Kitten (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 9)

Derby Kitten only qualified for the field when another horse withdrew at the last minute and lost it's only other race on dirt by 27 lengths. Even worse, it's owners, Ken and Sarah Ramsey, force the jockey and horse to wear staggeringly ugly matching red hats with Giant "R"s (for Ramsey) in an ego glorifying display of stupidity.

On the bright side, it'll be that much easier for them to spot Derby Kitten in the back of the back.


19. Watch Me Go (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 20)

This horse's one claim to fame is an upset victory in the Tampa Derby, which is akin to winning the automatic NCAA Tournament qualifying berth from the Big Sky.

Watch Me Go would be much more appropriately named Watch Me Go Home.


18. Decisive Moment (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 18)

A horse with no endurance in a long race, ridden by a 52 year old dude named Kerwin. Excuse me for not getting excited.

The only decisive moment will occur with 1/2 mile to go when this horse falls to the back of the back.


17. Master of Hounds (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 11)

An ugly horse with strange markings. A vaguely pretentious monarchical nickname. A trainer who never entered the horse in a dirt track race before the most important dirt track race in its life.

Do I even need to tell you Master of Hounds is European?


15. Comma To The Top (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)

A month ago, trainer Peter Miller said he wouldn't enter Comma to the Top in the Derby because Comma lacked the endurance to run such a long race.

Last time I checked, the length of the derby hasn't changed.


16. Santiva (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 12)

Santiva is short, struggles in traffic, finished a disappointing 9th in his last race and, most importantly, his name sounds more like an exotic strain of marijuana than a racehorse. Not good.


14. Mucho Macho Man (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 13)

Does anyone else find it ironic that trainer Kathy Ritvo is trying to become the first female trainer to win a Kentucky Derby with a horse named Mucho Macho Man? I suppose it rolls off the tongue better than than Wander Wonder Woman.


13. Archarcharch (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 1)

Archarcharch is going to loseloselose.


12. Soldat (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)

For the record, SolDat is the fourth most interesting permutation of the letters a, d, l, o, s, and t closing following LostAd, DoLast, DaLost, and LaSold.


11. Brilliant Speed (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 2)

Brilliant Speed is equal parts fantastic name and embarrassingly presumptuous. Anything less than an outright victory or comically ironic last place finish would be disappointing, which, of course, is why it will finish in the middle of the pack.


10. Pants On Fire (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 7)

Similar to trainer Kathy Ritvo, jockey Rosie Napravnik is attempting to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby, plus, she's sneaky hot. Well, she's female jockey hot, which, for the record, is somewhere between WNBA hot and female body builder hot.


9. Stay Thirsty (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 4)

Normally I wouldn't get excited about a horse that finished 7th in the Florida Derby by 20 lengths, but this is the most interesting horse in the world.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

8. Midnight Interlude (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 15)

Mightnight Interlude is fast, has good endurance, is trained by one of the best in the business (Bob Baffert, who has trained three previous Derby winners), sounds like a suave way of describing a late night romantic soiree, and is the only horse entering the Derby with two consecutive victories. Unfortunately, his jockey will be wearing this.


7. Twinspired (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 10)

Forget the silly name - a pun only a horse racing aficionado could appreciate - and focus on the fact this this Twinspired might be the first horse to ever scare his way to victory. He has speckled dark-gray skin, tattered gray hair, and cold, jet black eyes that look like they could suck your soul out of your body. I'm 75% sure the jockey is going to carry a scythe instead of a riding crop.


6. Shackelford (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 14)

I was going to research interesting facts about Shackelford, but got distracted by this incredible recipe for Mint Julep Pannacotta, which, when you get right down to it, is much more interesting than a horse named Shackelford.

5. Uncle Mo (Odds: 9-2, Post Position: 18)

Uncle Mo is a beast. No, really. Look at this him. He's a monster. He has more muscle definition than mid-80's Schwarzenegger. If all things were equal, Uncle Mo would pick his year's derby field out of his hoofs.

Sadly, all things are not equal. Uncle Mo suffered his first defeat in his pre-derby tune up at the Wood Memorial and was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal infection after the race. He's been on a steady diet of antibiotics for the past month and it is still a race day decision as to whether or not he will run in the Derby.

But, if he does and if he's sufficiently healed from infection look out.

You have been warned.


4. Animal Kingdom (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 16)

Animal Kingdom has great speed.

Animal Kingdom has great endurance.

Animal Kingdom beat two Derby entrants Decisive Moment and Twinspired to qualify for the Derby.

Animal Kingdom has a sufficiently bizarre, yet memorable name that would befit a Derby champion.

There's just one tiny problem...

Animal Kingdom has never run on dirt.

Normally, this type of glaring flaw would bother me, but Animal Kingdom is also the name of the Disney World Park that has my 3 year old daughter's heart racing.

Let's get it on.


3. Twice the Appeal (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 3)

I said it last year and I'll say it again.

Two words: Calvin Borel.

Borel has won three of the last four Kentucky Derby's - finishing an impressive third the only year he failed to win - including a 2009 victory on 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird. In a year of uncertainty, with no clear favorites and only one horse (Midnight Interlude) coming in with a streak of more than one victory, I see no reason why Calvin Borel wouldn't ride another long shot to an improbable victory.

If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.

(On a side note: If Borel brings home his unprecedented third derby victory in a row, they'll have to change Twice The Appeal's name to Thrice The Appeal. Either that or Calvin-Mother F'ing-Borel.)


2. Dialed In (Odds: 4-1, Post Position: 8)

He's a little ugly, has a great trainer - Hall of Famer Nick Zito, world class speed, an ability to kick into high gear at the end of races, a great post position, and a fabulous name for a race horse. He came from the back of the pack to beat Shackelford by a nose in the Florida derby.

Historically, a horse with four or less stars hasn't won the derby since 1918, but Dialed In has the size, speed, training staff, and pedigree to buck 93 years of history.

Dare I say, he's dialed in.


1. Nehro (Odds: 6-1, Post Position: 19)

Nehro came from behind and almost won the Arkansas Derby... losing by a nose to Archarcharch.

Nehro came from behind and almost won the Louisiana Derby... losing by a nose to Pants on Fire.

So why am I so confident that a horse coming off two consecutive losses to horses in this Derby field is going to trot away with the roses? The Kentucky Derby is 1/8 of a mile longer than both the Arkansas and Louisiana Derbys, giving Nehro just the time he needs to use his incredible closing speed.

This Saturday, look for Nehro to be the Hero.

Farewell to Jimmy - 2011

Another year, another crushing defeat for the not so Almighty J.

For the third time in six years, I picked the most correct games, yet for the sixth time in six years I failed to win. I thought the stars were aligned heading in to the Sweet 16. I thought this year would be different. Then my bracket went to hell and didn't even have time to pick out a sweet hand basket.

In seven soul crushing minutes of basketball, UConn ended San Diego State's comeback attempt and Florida held off a surging Jimmer (I have to be honest, that was really just an excuse to say 'surging Jimmer') to beat BYU in overtime, ending any chance I had of beating my Dad in the Jimmy and crushing my title dreams before they got off the ground. Then Duke, who I picked to win it all, got run off the court against Arizona in second half. A final swift kick to the nuts.

Thanks for coming. Remember to wear a cup next time.

But, I suppose I deserve it this year. I have only myself to blame.

You see, last year, I wrote that the trend that picking all #1 seeds to make it to the Final Four was the trend that needs to die. A quarter of last year's entrants picked the unforgivably boring possible Final Four scenario and I openly taunted them when Kansas was eliminated in the second round. Furthermore, I promised identical treatment to anyone else who followed suit, saying "I will similarly mock any future participants who show such limited courage and imagination into their Final Four. Consider yourself warned".

Can you guess who I picked in the Final Four?

#1 Ohio State, #1 Duke, #1 Kansas, #1 Pittsburgh.

So, to kick off the Jimmy award ceremony, I award myself the Hypocrisy Award.


Hypocrisy Award: Almighty J (Justin)

I mocked the basketball gods and the sanctity of the Jimmy and deserve to pay the price. If I ever pick four #1 seeds to make the Final Four again, I'll kick my own ass.


The Mitch D'Olier Jordan D'Olier Memorial Award for the contestant that enters the tournament, but forgets to fill out their entire bracket: Adam Sthay (Adam)

In 2008 my Dad submitted his bracket with one tiny oversight: he forgot to enter his Final Four and Championship picks. To honor his comical misstep, I created the Mitch D'Olier Memorial Award for future participants that submit incomplete brackets. Sadly, no one won the award in 2009 but, in 2010, my brother Jordan raised the bar by submitting a bracket with no picks at all and became the new namesake for the incomplete bracket award.

Jordan's record low zero points will stand the test of time as the lowest scoring bracket in Jimmy history, but his time as standard bearer for the partially filled entry award has passed thanks to Adam Sthay and his incomplete self-titled entry Adam Sthay. Maybe it was a computer error. Maybe it was an oversight. Maybe it was karma for naming his bracket after himself. Or maybe Adam was smarter than all of us and realized that no one would correct pick either team in the national championship game (let alone a national champion) and saved himself the trouble of having his picks eliminated. Whatever the reason, his name will live on, emblazoned upon the ceremonial Adam Sthay Memorial Award.

Congratulations, Adam.


Rebecca Black's Friday Award for the most awful new thing I wish I didn't know about but can't stop watching: Who stole kyle singler's eyebrows (Eric)

If you haven't seen the music video for Friday by Rebecca Black, do it now. The immensity of its failure cannot adequately be described. It is a perfect storm of awful, the ultimate in unintentional comedy. At one point, she actually sings "Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwarrrrrrrrrds".

And yet, I can't stop watching. It gets funnier with each viewing as I discover small hilarious nuances, like "why is she walking to the bus stop if her friends are picking her up?", "how does a group of 14 year-olds have their drivers' licenses?", or "what is the creepy limo driver doing following her school bus and why is he rapping?". It's incredible.

Similarly, now that Eric Lau's team name clued me in to Kyle Singler's lack of browage, it's the only thing I can see when I watch Duke play. Technically he has eyebrows, you just wouldn't know it by looking at him. They're so blonde, they're virtually translucent. He's the only person in the world with camouflage eyebrows.


DVD Rewinder Award for most spectacular failure: Uri (Rick Kane Owns Hawaii)

Undeterred by last year's under-the-radar title pick gone wrong (Really, Uri? Baylor?), Uri went out on a limb again this year and picked the 6th seeded St. John's Red Storm to upset the Pittsburgh Panthers and make it to the Final Four out of the Southeast Region.

I'd like to give Uri some credit for recognizing the chaos that would engulf the Southeast region (Butler knocking off Pitt and Florida en route to a second consecutive Final Four), however, that would force me to overlook the fact that his Final Four pick, St. John's, lost in the first round. By 15 points. To a Gonzaga team that would lose their next game by 22. To a BYU team that would lose their next game by 9. To a Florida team that would lose their next game by 3. (By my count, that makes St. John's a scant 49 points worse than Southeast region winner Butler.)

I suppose it's only fitting that a bracket that called out the athletic prowess of Hawaii suffered a crushing defeat in a year when the winner of the Maui Invitational (UConn) and the Diamond Classic (Butler) faced off for the National Championship.

(As a small consolation, Uri's beloved Oregon Ducks basketball team won the 4th most prestigious post-season college basketball tournament, the CBI, which I believe stands for Couldn't Be Interesting. Do they hang CBI banners from the rafters, Uri?)


Nostradamus Award: I Beat Dawn! Unicorn Smasha! (Sean)

After losing to his girlfriend Dawn in somewhat unceremonious fashion last year, Sean proclaimed his goal for the 2011 Jimmy load and clear in his team name: Beat Dawn. And he did, in a big way. Dawn picked Louisville in the National Title game and about four hours after the first game tipped off, Morehead State knocked off Louisville, virtually handing the 2011 relationship crown to Sean.

Congratulations, Sean. I hope this award can provide some solace as you sleep on the couch.


Fodder for Future Relationship Arguments Award: Unicorn's Exist (Dawn)

Dawn may have lost the tournament challenge to her boyfriend Sean and given Uri a run for his money for the DVD Rewinder Award with her National Title game prediction of Louisville (lost in the first round to Morehead State) vs. Syracuse (lost in the second round to Marquette), however, she was also one of only five Jimmy contestants to correctly select any of the Final Four teams and the only to predict Butler's return to the Final Four.

So, whenever Sean boats about his triumphant 2011 tournament victory, Dawn can always claim that she picked infinity percent more teams to make it to the Final Four.


Delayed Epiphany Award: L.A. Leycos (Brett)

I spent 30 minutes trying to figure out the significance of Brett's name. I had no idea what a leyco was, let alone a congregation of leycos. The word sounded spanish, so I plugged it into Google translate. It told me the Spanish word "leyco" meant "leyco" in English. Thanks a lot, Google (http://translate.google.com/#es|en|Leyco%0A).

Finally, I tried sounding it out phonetically.

LA LAY-Kos?

LA Lay-kahs?

LA Lake-ehs?

LA Lake-ers.

You've got to be kidding me.

I spent 30 minutes of my life trying to figure out that Brett named his team the LA Lakers and that is worthy of an award.


What if? Award: Kolskorium (Matt)

Kolsky picked Arizona to make it to the Final Four. Not because he thought they'd make it, but because he views picking Duke the same way most people view getting a colonoscopy. Rationale aside, after #1 seeds started dropping like teenage panties at a Justin Bieber concert, Kolsky found himself, miraculously, one win away from his first ever Jimmy Title.

It was simple: If Arizona beat UConn, Kolsky won the Jimmy.

Arizona was down by two, but had the ball with 20 seconds to go in the game. After grinding down the clock, Arizona's dominant scorer and potential #1 NBA draft pick Derrick Williams - who is shooting over 60% from behind the arc, a number almost too high to believe - launched a three pointer with only 5 seconds left. The ball hung in the air an excruciatingly long time before hitting the side of the rim. But, with almost no time remaining, the ball miraculously landed right in the hands of Arizona Forward Jamelle Horne for a wide open last second three pointer.

Horne launched the shot, the ball again hung in the air for an uncomfortable amount of time, but, sadly, the ball and Kolsky's dreams of a Jimmy Title clanged off the side of the rim, leaving both the Arizona and Kolsky with What Ifs?


I Beg to Differ Award: Colorado-VictimBig12Conspiracy (Shaun)

Shaun entered the Jimmy under the contentious pretense that his beloved Alma Mater, the Colorado Buffaloes, were left out of the NCAA Tournament due to a Big 12 conspiracy to exact retribution on the University for leaving the Big 12 for the greener pastures of the Pac-10. At face value, Shaun's claim had merit. Colorado had an impressive season, including three wins over #21 Kansas State, and their exclusion from the tourney at the hands of a scrappy upstart mid-major program from Richmond, Virginia nearly led to ESPN college basketball analyst Jay Bilas turning into the Incredible Hulk on live TV in an apoplectic fit for the ages.

Of course, that scrappy upstart turned out to be VCU, who beat USC, Georgetown, Purdue, Florida State, and Kansas (for those of you scoring at home, that's one team from each of the Pac-10, Big East, Big 10, ACC, and Big 12) in dominant fashion on their way to one of the most unlikely Final Four appearances of all time.

I appreciate Shaun's attempts to fight for the honor and understand his line of thinking, but when it comes to the subject of the Colorado Buffaloes deserving inclusion in the NCAA tournament at the expense of the VCU Rams, I beg to differ.


Best Bruin Award: GoBruins! (Trenton)

It was not the strongest year for UCLA in this year's Jimmy.

Trenton's 20th place narrowly edged fellow UCLA grad Brett's 21st place entry to secure him top billing among Bruins.The two UCLA graduates managed to beat only two other contestants, one of whom named their bracket Screaming Pteradon Jackfruit (the other works for Oregon, which sucks at basketball anyway). That said, beating two people in the tournament has to be considered a success for UCLA these days.


Be True to Your School Award: Purple Hayes (Hayes)

On the subject of UCLA, Bruin Business school alum Hayes finished an encouraging ninth place, keeping alive some hope for the pride an honor of those connected to UCLA's fine institution of learning. Of course, in a true display of Bruin pride, Hayes picked the Bruins to get upset in the first round by Michigan State.

Now that, my friends, is business school pride.


Best Subtle Team Name that No One Understood but Me: Luke's sister (Jason)

Jason is neither a girl, nor does he have a brother named Luke. He does, on other hand, have a beautiful daughter named Leah.

Star Wars + Shout out to your infant daughter = Instant JBorhood recognition every time


Mr. Upset Award: Gremlins (Charles)

Following his 2010 Jimmy title, Charles took a somewhat conservative approach in this year's Jimmy, picking only ten upsets in the entire tournament. Unfortunately, those picks were somewhat less successful this year. OK, they were way less successful. Actually, it would be difficult for them to any less successful. Of his ten upset picks, Charles managed to correctly pick... one upset. That's right. Charles correctly tabbed #3 UConn to beat #2 San Diego State in the Elite Eight. Other than that he whiffed on...

Opening round

• #9 Villanova over #8 George Mason
• #12 Clemson over #5 West Virginia
• #13 Oakland over #4 Texas
• #10 Michigan State over #7 UCLA

Second round

• #6 Georgetown over #3 Purdue
• #5 Kansas State over #4 Wisconsin
• #11 Gonzaga 11 over #3 BYU

Sweet 16

• #3 Syracuse over #2 North Carolina

Elite 8

• #2 Notre Dame over #1 Kansas

That's not bad, that's impressive. It's the March Madness equivalent of eating a whole wheel of cheese and pooping in the refrigerator. In fact, I don't think anyone in Jimmy history has ever, nor will ever, pick less than 10% of their upsets correctly.

So take a bow, Charles. You've reached the zenith and nadir of the Jimmy in just two years. I can only image what the future holds for you.

Not as Good as Justin Award: The Fly (Jason)

No matter how old you get, you're never too mature to tease your older brother.


The Shaun Holaday Memorial Award for bracket with the best chance to win that has no business winning: tie, Boner Jams '03 (Jake), Bootleg (Chris)

In 2008, Shaun won the tournament despite picking the least number of games correctly, because he was the only contestant who correctly picked Kansas to win it all and the weighted scoring system gives an overwhelmingly unfair number of points for picking the National Champion. (On a related note, no, I'm not still bitter that I finished third that year despite picking the most number of correct games. Moving on...)

This year, Jake was tied for 15th (out of 23) and Chris was in 18th after the first two rounds of tournament play, however, remarkably both remained in contention for the Jimmy title because they were the only participants to pick North Carolina and Florida (respectively) to win the NCAA Title. Jake's and Chris's path to victory was simple, if North Carolina or Flordia won, they won.

Then the Sweet 16 happened. Duke losing to Arizona happened. Ohio State losing to Kentucky happened. Kansas losing to VCU happened. Every team that someone in the Jimmy picked to win the NCAA tournament lost... except Carolina and Florida.

Jake and Chris no longer needed UNC or Flordia to win it all. They didn't even need them to make the championship game. All they needed was for the Tar Heels or Gators to get to the Final Four to hand them the most absurd, undeserved Jimmy title in recent memory (For the record, no, I'm not still bitter that I finished 10th this year despite picking the most correct games for the third time in Jimmy history).

Mercifully, the basketball gods intervened. The boners were jammed, boot couldn't leg it out, and Kentucky and Butler won, felling the title aspirations of UNC, Florida, Jake and Chris, and saving me the trouble of writing a profanity laced tirade about the absurdities of the weighted scoring system.

At least for one more year.


Best Bracket Name Award: Screaming Pteradon Jackfruit (Tori)

Screaming Pteradon Jackfruit sounds like the result of a random 70's rock and roll band name generator. It is equal parts random, hilarious, and awesome, which, perhaps not ironically, accurately describe Tori's picks this year. Even if you doubled Tori's score, her bracket would finish tied for 11th place. But, even if they did exist, I'm sure Screaming Pteradon Jackfruit would be partying too hard to care.

Honorable Mention to Jake for his entry, Boner Jams '03. I'm not quite sure what songs would qualify as boner jams (athletic themed porn music?), but I would definitely buy that album.


Most Aptly Named Bracket Award: Field of Dreams (Alex)

Alex finished in second place by one point. One tiny, minuscule, seemingly insignificant point. One first round match-up that went the other way. One bounce of the ball, one rebound, or one errant pass between him and immortality. Alex would have won the Jimmy had any of the following first round games gone the other way:

• Xavier vs. Marquette
• Utah State vs. Kansas State
• Tennessee vs. Michigan
• Memphis vs. Arizona
• Missouri vs. Cincinnati

Instead, he's left with a second place finish and a field of dreams.


Money Where Your Mouth is Award: Bucket O' Awesome (Nick)

If you're going to call your bracket Bucket O' Awesome, you better deliver. Nick finished a respectable third place - two points behind the leader - and only a BYU victory over Florida away from his first ever Jimmy championship. Perhaps that falls a step short of awesome, but at the least, Nick's entry was a Bucket O' Really Good.


For Lack of a Better Award: Big3JDaddy (Dad)

Dad played it safe with no double digit upset picks, astutely tabbed Arizona to beat Texas and UConn to make it to the Elite Eight, didn't make any big mistakes, would have won the tournament if Duke won, and finished a respectable fifth.

I got nothing.


Karma Award: Another No-Upset Bracket (Aaron)

For the second year in a row Aaron picked no upsets. That's right. No upsets. Not one. No #12 over a #5. No #3 over a #2 in the Elite Eight. Not even a #9 over a #8 in the first round. None.

Thankfully, for the second year in a row, the basketball gods displayed their disapproval with his blatant disrespect for the Mandess of March by smiting his bracket, leading to his unspectacular 7th place finish. I realize this might sound like me throwing stones from my glass house after selecting all the #1 seeds to make the Final Four, but I made a proper offering to the basketball gods by felling sacrificial lamb Louisville at the altar of Morehead.

(I'd like to assume the basketball gods are big fans of Morehead.)


Chicago Cubs Award for the most obvious preordained failure: - pitt is it no really I mean it (Mike)

Mike should know better. He's been though this before. Every year Pitt emerges from a stacked Big East Conference schedule looking like one of the best teams in the country. They play blue collar basketball. They hustle for loose balls, rebound well, don't commit fouls, and play tough team oriented defense. They're the kind of team every fan loves to root for and, by the end of the season, convince all of their supporters that they have what it takes to win a National Championship.

"This year is different!"

"Next year is here!"

"Pitt is it! No really, I mean it!"

Then, just like every year, Pitt finds a way to rip out the hearts of their fans in a new, completely unforeseen, unimaginably painful way. Losing a game in which you're tied and going to the line to shoot a free throw with only 1.7 seconds left without going to overtime is hard to do and, yet, total vintage Pittsburgh.

So, while I shed a tear for my favorite crest fallen Pittsburgh fan, there's only so much sympathy you can give to someone who puts their faith in the Chicago Cubs of college basketball.


D'Olier Family Champion Award: DZaster (Deanna)

Since the Jimmy started in 2006, I haven't just failed to bring home the overall title, I have never even won the family title.

In 2006, I finished second in the family to Jason when Adam Morrison and Gonzaga choked away a 9-point lead with 3:13 to play.

IN 2007, I finished second in the family to Jason when Texas A&M lost a heart breaker to Ohio State in the Sweet 16.

In 2008, I finished second in the family to Deanna when Tennessee lost a stunner to Louisville, who lost a nail biter to North Carolina, when a different outcome in either game would have given me the victory.

In 2009, well... let's not talk about 2009 (16th out of 20?????).

In 2010, I finished second in the family to Jason after Ohio State choked in the Sweet 16 against a hide-the-women-and-children-awful Tennessee squad, handing Jason the victory by one point.

This year was supposed to be different.

I jumped out to a commanding lead after the first two rounds and, without any notable upsets left in my bracket, the only thing I needed to wrap up my first ever D'OFCHA (not to mention, potential first Jimmy championship) was Duke, San Diego State or BYU to win their Sweet 16 game.

I didn't need an upset.

I didn't need a long shot.

I just needed one win in three games.

Then UConn over San Diego State happened. Florida over BYU in overtime happened. Arizona over Duke happened. (Arizona? Really? I lost because of Ari-freaking-zona?)

Another year, another bitter defeat. I wrap up my fourth second place family finish, cementing my legacy as the Pittsburgh Panthers of NCAA Bracket Challenges.

Personal grievances aside, congratulations to Deanna on her second D'OFCHA and first ever Jimmy Championship. Heading in to the final day of the Elite Eight, a victory by North Carolina, Florida or BYU would have knocked her out of the top spot, but she survived by the narrowest of margins - a one point victory over runner-up Field of Dreams - to cut down the nets and walk off into history in her own personal One Shining Moment montage.

As a reward for winning, Deanna receives a JBorhood article on the topic of her choice. (May I suggest the Top 10 reasons a weighted NCAA tournament pool scoring system sucks?)

----------------------------------

Thanks for playing everyone, see you next year!

The Jimmy 2011

Aloha friends and JBors,

March has begun, which, of course, means the return of everyone's favorite NCAA tournament pool and article series started and managed by a Chicago centric, Hawaii themed online sports periodical: The JBorhood March Madness Extravaganza! (or the Jimmy, as all the cool kids call it).

As always, the winner gets to choose the topic of a future JBorhood article (be still your beating hearts).

You don't need to know anything about basketball to join. In fact, given the unpredictability of March Madness, it's usually a good thing. And, in the Jimmy, everybody wins. I will write articles throughout the tournament and hand out awards to every participant. That's right, if you join, I will write something about you. A little snippet of awesome, all about you. Can you really pass that up? No. No you can't. So sign up now and tell all your friends.

Sign-up here (Yahoo ID required. If you have any problems signing up let me know and I'll snap to it like a hyper-active pterodactyl on Red Bull.):
http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/group/130017/invitation?key=0086a87e77d39761

Good luck and happy bracketing!

What Jersey Shore taught me about UH Hoops

I watched my first episode of MTV's Jersey Shore on Monday.

Oh. My. Lord.

I'd often heard the show discussed. I had a vague familiarity with the various characters. I thought I knew what to expect.

I did not.

I was under the mistaken impression that Jersey Shore was a TV show when, in actuality, it is a human science experiment, like Bio Sphere sans the Sphere. It answers the question, "What happens when you take eight self-absorbed, image obsessed, testosterone fueled (that includes the women) alcoholics with liberal attitudes towards performance enhancing drugs, drop them in a house together in the epicenter of misogynist hedonism and provide them unlimited access to alcohol?"

The significance of the results is lost in translation. You have to actually sit down and experience Jersey Shore to understand the unbelievable amount of bizarre humanity packed into one sixty minute dumpster fire of hyper-reality.

Every episode delivers a staggering number of cultural insights that have to be seen to be believed.

...like the importance of the fist pump and how, when properly executed, it can take a party to new heights.

...or that you can buy hair gel by the pallet.

...that with a hot tub, charisma, nice abs and enough alcohol, you can achieve anything.

...that sausage and peppers is correctly pronounced "sah-sedge and peh-pas".

...that performance enhancing drugs aren't exclusively for men anymore.

...what a Snooki is and its incredible ability to create chaos in the midst of calm.

...that my clothes need approximately 247 percent more glitter

...and that the eventual downfall of civilization is less eventual than I thought.

If your level of pop culture naivety has sufficiently shielded you from this reality television show / cultural phenomenon, I cannot adequately describe the magnitude of exaggerated humanity on display in Jersey Shore. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you and you certainly wouldn't understand the subtle beauty of it. Which is the exact same thought I had at last Saturday's University of Hawaii men's basketball game.

The current collection of UH men's basketball player's aren't just a team, they're a phenomenon. You have to see them in person to understand how good they are and, more importantly, how good they will be. UH has had many better teams, but they haven't had a collection of young exciting talent like this since Bruce O'Neil and Rick Patino were paying players in the 70's.

They're still raw, figuring out how to play together. But in the harmonious moments - which are becoming more and more frequent - when everything clicks...

Oh. My. Lord.

They're not just good, they're scary. Despite their solid, if unspectacular 18-10 record, and current fourth place standing in the Western Athletic Conference, the Rainbows are the team no one wants a piece of in the WAC Tournament time. They have more upside than anyone outside of the 24-3 marvelous Mormons from Utah State whom, might I add, want nothing to do with a UH team that had them on the ropes in a double overtime thriller.

The UH team is more than the sum of their parts but, because of the youth of both players and coaching staff, much like Jersey Shore, the significance of the results is lost in translation. You have to actually sit down and experience this UH Hoops team to understand the unbelievable amount of talent packed into two twenty minute halves of salivating potential.

Every game delivers a staggering number of magnificent moments that have to be seen to be believed.

... Miah's blazing speed and his uncanny ability to walk the line between high intensity and out of control.

... Bill Amis's truly sneaky athleticism. He is the quickest, slow guy ever.

... Zane's ability to rain points from the sky (and his startling resemblance to the love child of my little brother and Gumby).

... the silky smoothness of Bo Barnes stroke. It's the Jiffy Peanut Butter of three point shots.

... Jostin Thomas's incredible ability to create chaos in the midst of calm. (He is, without a doubt, Snooki in this extended Jersey Shore metaphor.)

... that the eventual first NCAA tournament victory is closer than I thought.

Sadly, unless UH can secure another home game in one of the random post-season tournaments (The CBI? The CIT? Really? Are these real tournaments or is everyone just messing with me?) UH fans won't have another opportunity to watch the team in person until next season. And that's a shame. This team is a few pieces and a couple years away from making the leap from sports team to local cultural phenomenon. Colt Brennan in high tops.

Many have started to catch on. The Saturday Stan Sherrif crowd was rocking more than they have since Carl English laced up his shoes. When Zane Johnson hit a no-he-didn't NBA three from the top of the key in the second half, the decibal level in the gym was about as loud as the sum total of the noise from the Bob Nash era. The line for Dippin' Dots was over 50 people deep at half time. (Normally, I'm not a big Dippin' Dots guy. If Dippin' Dots really is the ice cream of the future I shudder to think about the dystopian hell hole we've let the world become. That said, when your two year-old daughter likes Dippin' Dots, you like Dippin' Dots. Luckily, I used my highly tuned Daddy-jedi skills to convince her Dora the Explorer prefers Hagen-Daaz to the Dots. If the line for ice cream bars is long at the next game I might be screwed.)

But it's not enough. It's not the 10,000+ sell out crowds that packed the Stan for AC and Alika. It's not the level of excitement deserved by the most exciting UH team in recent history, and maybe ever.

Make no mistake, much like MTV did with Jersey Shore, Gib Arnold is creating a phenomenon. So this Tuesday, when the Rainbows take the floor for what could be the last time this season, cancel all your plans and get down to the Stan Sheriff Center to watch, nay, experience Gib Arnold and the new UH hoops phenomenon. Because, unlike Jersey Shore, you can't watch old episodes on Hulu.

I am unable to hate Aaron Rodgers (and I hate that)

I had a hangover on Monday, physically and mentally. Strangely, neither stemmed from frustration about the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl victory.

The physical hangover resulted from an ill-conceived science experiment. A couple friends brought over a soda making kit - a gas injection device that carbonates anything - and we collectively decided that 9 p.m. was the best time to test a recipe for sparkling long island iced-teas, in the interest science, of course. Because you know what a 12 ounce cup of gin, vodka, tequila, and rum needs? Increased drinkability. The plan was either a rousing success or an epic failure depending on whether you asked us last Sunday night or Monday morning.

The mental hangover was harder to wrap my hands around.

A Packers Super Bowl victory is as close as you can come to a sports apocalypse for me. I hate Green Bay. I hate everything about them. I hate the Lambeau Leap. I hate the green and yellow uniforms. I'd hate the stupid cheese hats even more if they didn't help me so easily identify people with whom I will never be friends. Green Bay practically ruined my entire football watching childhood and, consequently, I enjoy watching the Packers lose almost as much as I enjoy watching the Bears win. (Hey, when you're a Chicago sports fan, sometimes schadenfreude is all you got.)

Yet, in the aftermath of the Packers victory and Aaron Roders coronation as Super Bowl MVP and the-next-great-quarterback I felt strangely ambivalent. I even tried to cry, but it turns out poking yourself in the palm with a dinner fork doesn't bring up tears, just searing pain in your hand. Try as I might, I could not get the faintest bit upset over what should have been one of the more vomit inducing championship celebrations of my life.

Because, frankly, I respect this team.

I feel like Vince Vaughn at the end of Anchorman, "I hate you Green Bay Packers. I hate you. But [gosh darn it], do I respect you."

I respect Aaron Rodgers. I respect Charles Woodsen. I respect the way BJ Raji is a dead ringer for the lady who played Precious. I respect Green Bay's cadre of wide receivers. I respect the way they can dominate on offense without any semblance of a running game. I respect the 2010 Green Bay Packers.

I never respected Brett Favre during his heyday. Not ever. Not even a little. I grew a grudging respect for him - a quasi-Stockholm syndrome - at the tail end of his career, but only after he started handing out interceptions to Bears defensive backs like glazed doughnuts at a Krispy Kreme. But during his prime? Pure, unadulterated hatred.

Brett Favre was the embodiment of pure evil. I hated the way announcers euphemized his interceptions as "gunslinging". I even hated the way he pronounces his name. THE R COMES AFTER THE V, BRETT. YOUR NAME IS FAHV-REH. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THIS? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Aaron Rodgers is different. He has played so well and displayed such dignity, grace, and leadership in the process, that I'm forced to admit not only a completely un-begrudged respect, but also a bit of admiration. Aaron Rodgers is everything you want in an NFL quarterback and, even though I tried as I hard as I could to get upset, I was happy to see him revel in the much deserved post-Super Bowl celebration.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to whip up an extra large batch of sparkling long island iced teas and throw my laptop through a window.

The Annual Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2011

I am the World's foremost authority on Yo Gabba Gabba. Over the past two and a half years, I've spent more time with Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee, Plex, and DJ Lance than anyone outside of my daughter and the Editor-in-Chief. If the fate of the free world hinges on an extensive knowledge of brightly colored furries teaching kids life lessons through indie music, President Obama is calling me.

In the grand scheme of children's television programming, Yo Gabba Gabba is quite tolerable (which I suppose is like saying in the grand scheme of Taco Bell food, Mexican Pizza is the least likely to cause diarrhea). Still, there's only so many times you can hear the catchy and informative song "Don't Bite Your Friends" before it starts to have the reverse effect. At a certain point - somewhere around the 4,700 hours mark - you start dreaming up inventive ways to postpone the slow creep of insanity resulting from the almost unbearable repetition of chirpy educational fluff.

My favorite tactic is to create alternate story lines and ponder the background and relationships of the characters. Yo Gabba Gabba supposedly chronicles the educational interactions between DJ Lance Rock and his collection of magical toys. But, when I watch, I see a much more intricate and mature and storyline.

Muno, the giant one-eyed bumpy orange phallus, is coming to grips with his homosexuality; Foofa, the pink "flower" creature, never received proper attention from her parents and desperately seeks affirmation, which drives her blatant promiscuity. Toodee, the blue female arctic cat-dragon, is tormented by her unrequited love of Foofa. Brobee, the green striped square with arms, suffers from learning disabilities and anger management issues, a sad result of his parents drug abuse. And Plex, the magic androgynous robot, struggles with the paradox of assisting the development of his friends while lacking the capability to feel. These complex emotional and psychological undercurrents provide sufficient depth to help me stave off the desire to set myself on fire during the 379th rendition of the song "I Like Bugs".

This Sunday, I'm going to have to use similar tactics to help keep me from banging my head against the wall during five hours of Packers and Steelers bacchanalia.

There are few teams or players in sports that I actually hate, but the Packers are one of them. While Chicago trotted out a different hide-the-women-and-children embarrassment to the very idea of quarterback play every year, the Packers had Brett Favre. From 1992 to the present, Rex Grossman led Bears Quarterbacks with 20 wins. During that same period, Brett Favre had 22 wins against the Bears. Now that Favre is no long around to torture Bears fans, the Packers new quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, might be even better. Shoot. Me. Now.

While I lack a similar personal connection to fuel my distaste for the Steelers, it's hard to root for a team that has won six Super Bowls and is poised to win their third in that past six years. Compound that with a quarterback who should probably be in prison for sexual assault charges - and yet, strangely, is more beloved and accepted than a guy who got pulled out of an NFC title game with a knee injury. Stallworth drove drunk and killed a pedestrian, Roethelesburger sexually assaulted a girl, Michael Vick viciously slaughtered dogs, but we hate Jay Cutler. Go figure. - and you see why I have trouble getting excited for Steeler Nation.

Worse of all, the game will end with either the coronation of Aaron Rodgers as the best quarterback alive (which would likely result with me vomiting in my hands), or fuel the patently absurd notion that Ben Roethlesburger is the greatest quarterback of all time (In his seven year career he's had a Top 3 defense five times, the #1 defense three times and led a Top 10 offense only twice - #9 both times. People who suggest Big Ben is better than Peyton Manning deserve an elbow to the crotch).

I can't remember a year when I've been less invested in a Super Bowl, which is strange considering it should be a great game. The Packers and Steelers are two of the NFL's oldest and most storied franchises. They both have incredible defenses and explosive offenses. By all accounts they are evenly matched and Sunday's game should be one of the most competitive ever. But, no matter what I try, I can't get excited for this Super Bowl.

I've spent the entire week trying to think of alternate story lines, unrelated to the game, to help stomach a 300 minute tug job of the franchise that ruined my formative football years and the team that wins championships like I make Rex Grossman jokes. Maybe I'll just go watch Yo Gabba Gabba with Haley. At least the music won't be as bad as the Black Eyed Peas at halftime.

---

In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.
In 2009, it was The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.
In 2010, it was The "It's actually just about the Quarterback" Bowl.

This year, I'm proud to present the One Too Many Injuries Bowl.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of the Pittsburgh Steelers as underdogs in the Super Bowl. They've won more Lombardi Trophies than any team in history, two titles in the past six years, and always seem to come up big when it matters most (Roethlesburger to Santonio Holmes anyone?). But there's only so many injuries a team can sustain at key positions before you have to start wondering how they can patch the holes.

With Maurkice Pouncey officially out of Sunday's contest, the Steelers offensive line is playing without their starting center and both starting tackles. Ben Roethlesburger thrives at evading pressure in the pocket, extending the play, and making plays down field, but can a patch work offensive line reasonably contain a defense with BJ Raji, Clay Matthews, and Darren Woodsen that likes to disguise blitzes and bring pressure from all angles? How much smoke and how many mirrors do the Steelers have left? The battle at the line of scrimmage - on both sides of the ball - will define this contest, and I don't know if Pittsburgh has the man power to hold Green Bay at, well, bay.

When Pittsburgh has the ball, watch the middle of the line to see whether back up lineman Doug Legursky, making his first career start at center, can hold the point of attack against Green Bay's rotund nose tackle, Gabourey Sidibe look-alike BJ Raji. Between Roethlesburger's ability to escape pressure and Rashard Mendenhall's tough running, the Steelers are almost uniquely capable of overcoming offensive line deficiencies, but the line needs to, at least, give the playmakers a chance to get down field. Also, the Packers main weakness on defense is slowing down the tight end. Look for Pittsburgh TE Heath Miller to have a big day gashing Pittsburgh up the seam (For the gambling addicts out there, Miller has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.).

When Green Bay is on offense, keep a close eye on how close Pittsburgh lines up their defensive backs. Typically, they play one in tight press coverage and the other about 10 yards off the line of scrimmage. If Pittsburgh sticks with this alignment, Green Bay will rely heavily on quick slant patters - their bread and butter - and, as we saw on the Packers opening drive against the Bears in the NFC Title Game, are capable of getting down the field in a hurry. (For the gambling addicts out there, slant route runner extraordinaire also has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.) The battle between the Packers offense and Pittsburgh defense to make the other get out of their standard alignment could swing the outcome of the game.

At the end of the day, the Packers ability to spread out the Steelers defense on fast Dallas turf and apply pressure to an embattled Pittsburgh offensive line should result in a convincing, if not overwhelming Packers victory, except... Green Bay has this nagging tendency to let teams hang around and the Steelers thrive in ripping the heart out of opposing teams in close games and no one is better than Ben Roethlesburger at converting big third downs and leading game winning drives. If the Packers don't step on the Steelers' throat and keep them in the ball game, look for the Men of Steel to win their unprecedented seventh Lombardi Trophy.

But.... I don't think it will be close at end. I think the Packers jump out to a fast start and never look back. 31-21 Packers. Let the Aaron Rodgers coronation begin. I will now curl up in the fetal position, donning my Jay Cutler jersey.