The Perils of Living Large

Happy Valentines Day J-Bors. I'm not the biggest fan of the over-commercialized Hallmark Holiday, but it put me in a romantic mood and so I thought I'd share an amorous essay with all of you. Unfortunately, I can't claim ownership over this dynamic diatribe, but it made me laugh for so long that I had to share it with all of you. However, it's original form was a little crass for the highly discerning audience of the J-borhood so I took the liberty of editing it's content, to insert a couple carefully placed euphemisms. You can tell that I edited a section because it is enclosed in brackets. Even still, if you're easily offended then I suggest that you stop reading, drink a glass of wine, eat a chocolate covered strawberry, enjoy Valentines day with your loved one, and come back on Friday when a regular J-borhood feature will grace the pages once again. Otherwise, sit back, relax, and let this sage advice sink in...

"I need to give an important warning to all my brothers. Never [engage in sexual relations with overweight women]. Living in a ski town with a male/female ratio that makes MIT look ideal it can be relatively easy to go a while without [engaging in any sexual relations of any kind]. After a lengthy string of celibacy I decided that I'd finally give in and [engage in sexual relations with an overweight female] in one of my classes who's been flirting with me since the day we met. The [engagement] couldn't have possibly been worse. She had so much extra weight around [her crotchal region] that it was very difficult to get any sort of deep penetration. When I was [attempting to please her by using the digits on my hand] I couldn't even reach the [a prominent erogenous zone] and she had too much [excess weight] for my [digits] to [have any significant penetration]. On top of that, she had the [female sex organ with least amount of elasticity] I've ever come across. I had to take her word as to whether I [had inserted my member] or not as I sure as hell couldn't feel the difference. And not only was the [female somewhat overweight], but she wasn't [very adept at pleasuring me]. The [oral stimulation] was bad enough that I had to stop her a few minutes in because it was [somewhat unsatisfying]. When she was on top, not only did I have to stare at her [somewhat unsightly breasts, drooping towards her waist], but probably as a result of lack of strength to move her [large body mass], she just sat there without moving an inch. [In summary], regardless of what Steve Salmon may recommend, avoid the [woman of extreme weight] at all possible costs. I don't care how [eager to engage at sexual relations] they are, it's not worth it. I'll actually [engage in sexual acts with a woolen farm animal] before I [engage in sexual acts with] another [female of excessive weight]."

Hope you enjoyed the Valentine's Day fun. Tune in Friday for my Winter Olympic exposee!