Saving the Winter Olympics

I’ve had this gnawing feeling in my stomach for the a while. It started as a dull ache, but has grown into an acute pain in my chest over the course of this week. I wish that I could make it go away, but I just can’t seem to shake it. That overwhelming sense that I’m not a true sports fan and furthermore, that I’m unpatriotic. I hate to admit this, especially to such a discerning group of athletic connoisseurs, but this ache is actually the unavoidable fact that I don’t care about the Winter Olympics. And when I say don’t care I mean that I truly have no interest in the biggest and most important international sporting event of the year. Well, the World Cup is this year, so what I really mean is that I truly have no interest in the second biggest and second most important international sporting event of the year. I pride myself on knowing as much about every major sporting event as possible, and yet I know almost nothing about this grand convergence of countries. Here’s a recap of everything I know::

• The opening ceremonies involved a gratuitous amount of fire
• Some guy nicknamed the Flying Tomato won the gold medal in snowboarding
• The hockey team tied some country I’ve never heard of in their first game (Latvia? Are the Russians just making up countries as they go?)
• Self-admitted alcoholic/alpine skier Bode Miller was disqualified for straddling something (or someone?)
• Michelle Kwan gave up before the competition started in the biggest Olympic flop since… Michelle Kwan in last Winter Olympics.
• Apollo Anton Ohno fell down and lost
• Male figure skaters wear, how should I say this, flamboyant costumes
• One of the U.S. ice dancers is really hot (hint: the one on the left)

That’s it. 2500 athletes, 85 countries, 16 days, and I only know 8 things, half of which involve some combination of flames, effeminate male clothing, and hot women. That’s a sad state of affairs for an event that’s supposed to transcend politics and culture and foster a sense of unity and excitement. What’s worse is that that I don’t think I’m alone. Admit it. YOU don’t care about the Winter Olympics either. And who could blame you? The Winter Olympics used to be an exciting blend of talent and culture, but now it’s little more then a bridge between the Super Bowl and the start of the baseball season. Frankly, I’m more interested in our Vice-President’s errant aim.

[Seriously, did the Vice-President of the United States just shoot someone in the face or is this some elaborate hoax by the Bush Administration to shift focus off of the war? It’s the first time a Vice-President has shot someone since Aaron Burr plugged Andrew Hamilton in a duel in 1804. This must be the biggest case of unintentional comedy in the last 10 years. Can you imagine what David Letterman thought when he woke up and saw the headline “Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter”? It is the comedic equivalent of winning the lottery. I’m not sure this joke is ever going to get old.]

Where was I? Ah yes, back in the golden days of the Winter Olympics I remember watching Kristi Yamaguchi perform dazzling figure skating routines and wondering if Nancy Kerrigan could overcome the Tanya Harding scandal to capture the gold. These days, the biggest story is a convoluted tie between Michelle Kwan losing before she even got to the arena, Bode Miller skiing drunk, or some little hotshot named Apollo failing to defend the gold medal he won by disqualification. We, the American public, are left without any stars, any stories, or any stimulation, and without these elements, the Winter Olympics are just an over-hyped, over-dramatized collection of games that wish they were sports.

Classic sporting events should be rife with controversy, edge of your seat excitement, ferocious competition, and memorable performances and the Winter Olympics don’t have any of these elements. The only controversy is judging scandals in figure skating, any excitement is removed by the tape delayed broadcasts, the competitions are amicable at worst, and nothing about curling, ski jump, biathlon, luge, skeleton, or cross-country skiing will EVER be exciting.

But I don’t think the Winter Olympics are without hope. If they made a few necessary modifications, I think they could instill some much needed drama and excitement to the games. Here a list of suggestions that I will be sending to the IOC:

• Make a mandatory trash talk period before male figure skaters go out on the ice. Watching those little ice princesses talking smack about each other’s sequin and lace covered ensembles would be the funniest thing since our Vice-President shot someone in the face. (See, still funny!)
• Speed skaters should be allowed to bump one another during the race. Anything that would make Olympic speed skating more like roller derby is ok in my book.
• Give the mogul skiers a beer at the top of the hill and award points based on how much beer they have left at the end of their run. “Jeremy Bloom is in the lead going in to this last jump, executes a perfect triple flip, sticks the landing, and OH NO! HE DROPPED HIS BEER! That’s not going to sit well with the flavor judge. What’s this? One of the fans has rushed onto the hill and grabbed the beer....” Wow. That would be AWESOME!
• Luge and skeleton tracks should be made four times as wide and four people should start at once. In addition, the track should have a couple forks to add an additional maze like aspect. Full combat sled racing? Fabulous.
• Last, but not least, I think female figure skaters should wear bikins.

I’m not asking for a lot. Just a few minor modifications to help excite the American people and restore the Winter Olympics games to their rightful place: The quasi-exciting step brother of the Summer Olympics. Well, we all have our dreams…