A Matter of Taste

As a whole, Americans don't take pride in many things. Strangely, that doesn't stop us from being the best in the world at them. Take cycling for example. Americans could not care less about cycling, but we love Lance Armstrong. We don't love him because he's a great cyclist or because we derive any nationalistic pleasure from watching him win; We love him because he beats the pants off the Europeans at a sport they actually care about. That was the best part about the Ryder cup this past weekend: Americans turned on their televisions on Monday and said, "Oh. Cool. We won." Meanwhile, thousands of Europeans spat bitterly in their coffee as they watched a Hillbilly from Florida act a fool (Note to self: I am not hip enough to say "act a fool".) on the putting green, as he celebrated his victory with the Happy Gilmore Bull Dance.

Following the embarrassing defeat, one bitter European sports writer, Phil McCauley, took solace in one thing he claims Europeans still do better then Americans: make beer. Now, I would never engage in a pissing match about golf, because, frankly, I don't really care about golf. I view golf the same way I view Spencer and Heidi's relationship; It's more funny then entertaining and I'll tune in for brief spurts, but if I had to watch it for more then 30 minutes, I might set myself on fire. But beer? Now that's another story. Insulting America's beer is like insulting an Italian's food or a Southerner's family or a Samoan's anything. Don't expect to get away without a fight.

Now, if Mr. McCauley had simply said something like "European's Make Better Wine" or "Europe makes a few beers that are better than some American beers, but in general we're all a bunch of panty wearing sissy boys", I would have let him get away with it. But he threw down the gauntlet when he said, "[America's] way behind on taste", flippantly dismissed American beer as "tasteless fizzy water", and finished it off with "given the choice, who would go for [an American Beer] over, say, a bottle of the German favourite Beck's? (really, Germany's Favorite Beer is Beck's...Really? I remain skeptical) Or the Dutch of class that is Amstel? (Amstel? Seriously, I'm not sure this guy's even from Europe.) Or the reassuringly expensive Stella Artois? ("reassuringly expensive," I don't even know what that means.) There's no competition!".

I simply can't ignore someone who champions European beer using Beck's, Amstel and Stella. Really? That's the best you can do? You're calling out the US on account of Beck's, Amstel and Stella? That's like calling out the Beatles with Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Beck's tastes like pasteurized moose piss, Amstel is only slightly less offensive then it's pussified metrosexual cousin Amstel Light and Stella...oh, don't even get me started on Stella.

Stella Artois is the beer of choice for college aged yuppies with tapestries of Che Guevara on their walls who think their two week summer vacation to Europe made them hip and worldly (hint: it didn't). You can easily spot these assholes, because they're sporting a faux-hawk, Cuban dictator hat, hemp necklace, and a wooden peace bracelet and as soon as they enter a bar, they'll turn to their friends -- who, conveniently, are wearing the same pretentious loser uniform -- and say "Dude, they have STELLA!"

No European has ever walked into a bar in Europe and said "Dude, they have STELLA!" (Presumably because they wouldn't be speaking English, but go with me on this one.) That's like walking in to a bar in the states and saying, "Dude, they have COORS LIGHT!". In fact, Europeans don't even drink Stella. When you visit a bar in Europe, you'll notice that the only people drinking Stella are American tourists, who then go home and piss their pants in gleeful excitement when they see it on the shelf at their local Safeway. Congratulations, you traveled 3,000 miles to the culinary epicenter of the world to imbibe a bland pint of skunk musk you could have enjoyed from the comfort of your own couch. Nice work, champ.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to say that Europe has terrible beer (it doesn't). In fact, Europe makes some of the best beer in the world. Belgian Trappist ales are a thing of beauty and the full range of dark German beers is sublime. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, no one can match the vast range of incredible U.S. microbrews. Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam, Fat Tire, Mendocino Brewing Company, Rogue, Deschutes and that's just scratching the surface. The same ingenuity and entrepreneurial spirit that led the US to the forefront of the world economy has turned the United States into the best beer producer in the world and, frankly, it's not even close.

In addition to brewing better beers, America also stands at the forefront of alcohol marketing. The United States transformed the beer commercial from an advertising tool into a comic art form. From the Bud Bowl to the Budweiser Lizards to the Real Men of Genius, U.S. breweries market their beers better than anyone. Need proof? Even though it has a flavor that mildly resembles stale jock sweat, people drink more Budweiser then any other beer in the world. How you like that proof?

(That said, I have to take my hat off to this ad from Guiness, which, hyperbole not withstanding, may be the best beer ad in the history of the world...)

[Author's Note: I have since been informed that this ad was not, in fact, made by Guinness. It was a joke ad created by... wait for it... wait for it... AN AMERICAN! The best Guinness ad made by an American? Brilliant! ]

Let's recap, shall we? America has better beer, better beer commercials, better golf and...am I forgetting something?

Oh yeah. We have better sports blogs too.

Suck it, Europe.