I started the JBorhood to accomplish three goals:
- To clearly, rationally, and intelligently translate the idiosyncrasies of the sports world and explain their relevance to everyday life.
- To highlight and poke fun at the natural absurdities of an industry that provides millions of dollars and unrelenting exposure to immature, self aggrandizing narcissists.
- To get laid more than a tourist at a luau.
While I've successfully accomplished two of these goals, I have not spent nearly enough time clearly, rationally, and intelligently translating sports idiosyncrasies. (What, you thought I hadn't poked enough fun lately?) The sports world provides such a perfect venue for absurdity that it's easy to develop a myopic focus on the comic failings of athletes or, as loyal JBor Bootleg describes it, "shooting fish in a barrel". As cultured and erudite members of the JBorhood, you know that I strive to rise above the general morass of the blogosphere and would never degrade my intellectual integrity by shooting fish in a barrel. No, here in the JBorhood, we explode the barrel, torch the remains, and tastefully laugh as the charred remains slowly burn to the ground. Because it's important to be tasteful.
It's also important to provide an equal and adequate spotlight for the positive instances in sports, which is why I want to take a moment to highlight a truly spectacular event that kicks off this week:
The World Baseball Classic.
The World Baseball Classic is a 16 team international baseball tournament that occurs once every three years. It splits Major League Baseball's biggest stars and other international players into teams based on their country of origin and lets them fight it out for world baseball supremacy. It's essentially the World Cup of Baseball. And it rocks.
In order to get you as excited for the World Baseball Classic as I am, I came up with the Top
16. It gives you a chance to cheer for Canada's Stubby Clap (no, really), who likely has the worst name in Baseball History.
15. It let's us watch a Domincan Republic Team where the second best shortstop in the world isn't even the best shortstop on his team. (Sorry Jose, but you're no Hanley.)
14. It provides an opportunity to hear American announcers butcher Japanese player's names. "Now stepping up to bat, Koh-suck-ee Fuck-u-Dome!"
13. It provides American viewers an uncensored glimpse into foreign sensibilities (e.g. The Chinese fans praying they will not be publically shamed when audibly cheering for a score).
12. It gives Albert Pujols another chance to suffer a career ending injury and stop haunting my dreams. (Author's Note: Albert Pujols has decided to pull-out of the WBC, solidifying his position as the new Brett Favre for Chicago sports fans.)
11. It features a Chinese Taipei team whose average height and weight is about 5' 3", 145, making it the first team we can confidently say is not using steroids.
10. It finally gives an overdue spotlight to the powerhouse Italian team, led by major league superstars Jason Grilli, Mark DiFelice, and Chris Denorfia. (If you haven't heard of them, that makes two of us.)
9. It offers the possibility that the United States and Canada will square off in the most Caucasian sporting event in the history of the world.
8. It opens the possibility for the Cuban team to forfeit the championship when half their team defects during the seventh inning stretch.
7. It gives another reason for Japanese and Korean people to hate each other. (In case you're not aware, Japanese and Koreans harbor a bitter hatred for one another. It's like the Israelis and Palestinians, only less violent, more self-righteous, and with an inability to admit that numerous aspects of their cultures bear a striking similarity.)
6. It gives us a chance to cheer on the Netherlands for a reason that doesn't involve their liberal stance on drugs or prostitution.
5. It let's us know that they play baseball in South Africa. No, really. http://web.
4. It finally provides conclusive proof that Andruw Jones is too fat to play baseball. If you can't crack the starting lineup of a Netherlands (Jones was born in Curacao, a Dutch territory, which counts as part of the Netherlands according to WBC rules.) team that includes world beaters like Bryan Engelhardt, Greg Halman, Gene Kingsale, Danny Rombley, and my personal favorite, Dirk Van Klooster, I think it's safe to say that you're too fat to play baseball.
3. It provides Asians a chance to dominate an event that doesn't revolve around math, science, or eating hot dogs.
2. It gives us a chance to watch ARod fail in the clutch for another country. (How do you say "choke" in spanish?) (Author's Note: Comically, ARod buckeled under the pre-tournament pressure and suffered a hip injury that will prevent him from choking...err, playing in the WBC.)
1. And, finally, it gives Cubs fans the opportunity to cheer for a team that might actually win something.
Play Ball!
4 comments:
another well placed buakake on this international bowling ball of an event
Canada has a guy nameed Scubby Clap. That needs to be on a list
@Jewfunk: Done and done.
andruw jones is too fat to play left field. he needs to learn to pitch. i've always been a big fan of "david-wells-ian" pitchers.
good luck with them cubbies....2009 is the year; cubs vs. a's.
at this point, with pitt #2 overall in the nation, and the steelers fresh off a superbowl win, you gotta kinda believe in my car-crash-karma!!!
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