A Matter of Perspective

In 2004, Ken Jennings won a virtually unbelievable 74 games of Jeopardy in a row. This unprecedented run of success garnered Jennings pseudo-celebrity status, talk show appearances and even a running segment on SportsCenter. Millions around the country tuned in every day to see if Jennings could continue his streak and people began to float the notion that Jennings was the smartest man in the world.

Nonsense.

Jennings was not the smartest man in the world; he simply knew more inane trivia then any other Jeopardy contestant. Don't get me wrong, if I get to pick a partner for Trivial Pursuit, Jennings is the first man I dial. But if I need to solve a real world problem, I'm picking Bill Gates, Warren Buffet or Stephen Hawking.

This leads me to Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps is, without a doubt, the most dominant swimmer in the world today, but if I hear one more person say that he's the best athlete in the world, I'm going to set myself on fire. In fact, I'm not willing to say he's the best Olympic athlete of all time (a title I'd reserve for Carl Lewis). I'm not even ready to say that he's the best Olympic swimmer of all time. Mark Spitz won almost as many gold medals as Michael Phelps and won his individual events by a bigger average margin of victory (1.44% vs. 1.07% for Phelps: See WSJ article for more details). I'm not saying I believe Spitz was a better or more dominant swimmer; only that it's up for debate.

Supporters routinely point to Phelps' record 14 gold medals as proof of the claim that he is the world's greatest athlete. While winning more gold medals then any athlete in history is impressive, it does little to prove that Phelps is the greatest athlete of all time. It proves that he is the most decorated Olympic athlete of all time, but greatest? Even if we conveniently put aside the ambiguity of the word "greatest" and the inherent subjectivity of comparing athletes in different sports, using total medals as a baseline for comparison is absurd. Depending on their sport, athletes have anywhere from one to eight chances to win a medal. There's a reason four of the ten most decorated Olympians were swimmers: Swimmers have more opportunities to win medals then any other athletes. Michael Phelps had eight chances to win a medal, whereas Kobe Bryant only had one. Both athletes won 100% of their possible gold medals in dominating fashion. Am I supposed to discount Kobe because the Olympics doesn't recognize 1 on 1, 3 on 3, the dunk contest, the 3-point shooting contest, H-O-R-S-E, P-I-G, and quitting on your teammates in the NBA Finals as Olympic events? (Sorry, I had to go there.)

Don't get me wrong; I am a huge Michael Phelps fan. In fact, watching Phelps compete was, far and away, my favorite non-Alicia Sacramone related part of the Olympics (My God, she is hot.). Furthermore, the Men's Swimming 4 x 100 meter final was one of the most exciting sporting events, of any kind, I have ever witnessed. In fact, I was rooting for Phelps to win the 8 gold medals. Watching Phelps swim is like watching Michael Jordan dunk or Tiger Woods swing. It's not just sports, it's an act of beauty. I don't mean to hate on Michael Phelps, I simply want to put his accomplishments in perspective and quell the unrealistic proclamations of his athletic supremacy.

I mean, Phelps is my boy and all, but winning 8 gold medals isn't going to make me to lose my mind. You want to impress me, Mr. Phelps? Try beating Ken Jennings at Jeopardy.

Elevator Music

No, I have not finished this week's post (which, in my humble opinion, sounds a lot less incriminating then "I have not started this week's post").

While I sort out the details, I strongly encourage you to satiate your appetite for incessant ramblings by reading the latest article by Mike Oppenheim, esquire. (For the record, you should say that "Mike Oppenheim, esquire" in your best Keanu Reeves accent, with one hand against your chest and the other stretched out like Hamlet, cradling Yorick's skull, in true Bill & Ted fashion. Yes, this applies to you at work. In fact, even more so.)

Land Line

"I have begun using a “land line” because I don’t get good cellular phone reception at “The Farm House,” here in Iowa. By “not good” I mean that in order to use my cellular phone I have to climb up to the north eastern most point of this house’s roof, Green Acres style, wearing a homemade suit of aluminum foil. Then, clutching the drain pipe of the roof with my left hand and the cellular phone in my right hand, I must hoist my body as far out above the ground as I can safely manage, all the while holding my body in a position that would make an enlightened Yoga Master lose his “Zen” with jealousy, and if I do this just right, well, then I can get a half bar of signal for 22.3 seconds, which is just enough time to send or receive one text message. Oh, and I can only do this during certain portions of an extremely complicated lunar cycle that I discovered after researching Vedic Astrology in a secret basement room in the Library of Alexandria..."

Read the whole article here

We're Going to Disney World!

We're going to Disney World!

You, me and our closest 658 friends.

(In case you were wondering, that was the Hawaii State Board of Education's answer to the question, "You've just found out that you have to cut one million dollars from your budget, what are you going to do?")

In a decision that can only be described as mind bogglingly stupid (I swear, it's the ONLY way to describe it. Nothing else would suffice. Take that hyperbole to the bank.), the BOE decided to deal with a budget deficit by cutting the budget of High School sports by nearly 10%. Then, since one bad decision deserves another (otherwise they get lonely), they decided to address the budget reduction by cutting JV sports completely. For sake of argument, I'll overlook the fact that studies have linked physical activity to improved brain function. I'll kindly glaze over the studies showing that kids in organized school activities are far less likely to do drugs or commit a crime. What I refuse to ignore is the Board of Education sending 680 people on a paid vacation to Disney World, in a year when they need to make 10 million dollars in budget cuts.

Yes. That's right. The Board of Education sent 680 people to Orlando, Florida and justified it as a business trip to check out a model school.

I'm sure there's a model school in Orlando. I'll take it on good faith that all 680 people visited the school and learned valuable educational lessons that they have since applied to their own school district in Hawaii. But the thing I can't possibly understand is why they sent 680 people to do a job that could have easily been done by five.

My first thought was that they wanted to send someone from every school in Hawaii to visit the model school. That sounds quasi-logical, right?

Except, of course, for the fact that there are only 280 schools in Hawaii. That means the BOE sent approximately two and a half people from every school on the island to do a job they could have accomplished by paying for the principal of the model school to come visit. Hell, they could have paid for the entire school administration and all the teachers to fly to Hawaii and still have spent less then they did to ship everyone off to the third Happiest Place on Earth. (The second being Disney Land and the first, of course, being my pants. Sorry, that joke sounded better in my head.)

The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.

(Author's Note: For the most part, I try to maintain a fair measure of journalistic integrity here in the JBorhood. That said, the goal is to inform AND entertain, so I opted for a more sensational approach to this story. In truth, the story deserves a more gentle touch and a fair amount of research. In the interest of fairness, I will learn more about the trip to Orlando as well as the Department of Education's budget so that I can provide more substantive feedback on the story. In the mean time, can you believe they sent 680 people to Orlando????!?!?!?!?!?!?!!)

Wait a second...Colt Breannan is Awesome? Get out of town...

I hate to say I told you so (Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. I love being right and I love letting everybody know about it, but humility seems to be all the rage these days, so I'll play along.), but Colt Brennan is an amazing Quarterback. In his debut for the Redskins, Colt went 9/10 for 123 yards and 2 touchdowns, completed passes of 20, 26 and 34 yards, and scrambled out of the pocket on a play when his protection broke down, strung the play along for about 10 seconds before finding an open man in the end zone. Vintage Colt.

Meanwhile, Joe Flacco went 0/3 for 0 yards and 2 sacks in his debut and began updating his resume. Don't worry, Joe. Frank's House of Pancakes will always be there for you.

(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)

Paris Hilton for President? That's Hot.

I usually refrain from commenting about anything remotely involving Paris Hilton. I'm not a fan of shooting fish in a barrel and it's far too easy to poke fun at a spoiled debutante, whose claim to fame is enormous wealth and a sex tape. That said, I'd like to give a JBorhood tip-of-the-cap to Paris for her video retaliation of John McCain's attack add, which negatively compared Barack Obama to Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton. Not only does Paris manage to laugh at herself in the video, she presents a forward thinking, coherent Energy plan and tops it off with "I'll see you at the debate...bitches."

Bravo, Paris. Bravo.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die